I mean, I've pretty much told everyone back home all about this situation. And now it's a part of my life story and I need to move on. But just in case I feel like I haven't talked the whole thing out yet, let's say something about it one more time.
I went out last Saturday night with a big group of friends. And I had a couple of drinks, wasn't completely and utterly gone, just good and tipsy(what the hell is wrong with me?). Everything was fine, we were all having a good time just hanging out. Then everyone got up to leave. As we were walking out I realized that I left my scarf inside the bar. I ran back in to get it and when I came out the only person left was the other first year sax grad student, Tom. Now Tom is a pretty cool guy, I like him a lot. We'll talk more about that later. Well Tom asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and watch movies. Me being tipsy and not exactly ready to go home yet, said ok. He loops his arm in mine and walks us back to his car(I almost trip and kill myself in an alleyway on the way to the car, just an example of the alcohol I had in my system.). Then we go back to his place and turn on the t.v. We both actually have ANOTHER beer. Everything's fine, nothing upsetting has happened at this point. He puts his arm around me. Ok fine, I like cuddling I guess. We're just watching some t.v. Then he kisses me. Then we're making out on the couch. Then we're in his bedroom. Then some other things happen (not sex, but I'm not willing to give anymore details than that). I stay over at his place, and he takes me back to my car Sunday morning.
First of all....this isn't something I ever thought I would do EVER. Second of all....things are a little awkward now, and I still have to work with him for like the next year and a half. Third of all...I called him Monday night to talk to him about it. I asked him what exactly it was, was he looking for friends with benefits(not happening bud), perhaps an actual relationship(still probably not an option), or was it literally a one time thing where we were both a little drunk and things got out of hand? He informs me that it was just a drunken night, he doesn't regret it, but it probably shouldn't happen again. And then he says this "You know Rachel, I've got morals and all that but I'm atheist. You have social and religious stigmas that go along with this to make this a much bigger deal for you than it is for me." Oh right Tom, because I've tried to have so many religious conversations with you. Actually I've tried to have zilch, zero, nada. If an opportunity appears where someone wants to talk a little about religion that's fantastic and I'm game. But I would NEVER try to force anything down anyone's throat. That's incredibly hypocritical, and is the reason why people judge me when I say that I am Christian. It's a dying ideaology in today's world. People think Christians are ignorant, judgeful, hypocritcal, and crazy. At least that's how they're viewed up here.
So back to Tom. I do think he's a fantastic person. When I'm around him I laugh, a lot. That's never a bad thing. He's not a bad guy, he doesn't have the same beliefs that I do and that's alright. Does he like me? He says no but his body language does tend to scream otherwise. Then again, I never really am able to read these sort of things. Do I like him? I don't know....maybe I just feel closer to him after Saturday night. Girls tend to be wired much more differently than boys. I get butterflies when I know I'm going to be around him. That's so stupid. He pretty much used me to get what he wanted, and I used him back. Does that mean we're back at a neutral square one again? Eh, only time will tell how this sitaution will truly resolve itself. I just can't really believe that it happened, and it all seems like a dream now. So strange.
Here's the final thing I'm dealing with right now. I really would have slept with him had he had condoms that night. I'm not even going to lie. And I don't know what in me allows that to be ok, but the thought has not phased me. I don't feel bad about it. I don't even really feel all that bad about the situation that did happen. Where are my morals? They're slowly slipping away. Where is my faith? All but dried up. Do I believe in God? Yes, and I always will. Am I fed up with fighting my Christian morals? Hell yes. I am sick of guilt tripping myself. I am sick of always being the odd ball out when I go out with friends. I don't want to feel bad about making the choice to drink or not drink. I don't want to feel bad about the fact that I am human and have hormones like everyone else. Uuuuggghhhhh......I am going through the motions of my life. The weeks are flying by. I don't know what else to say. I am truly alone up here. No one knows me or cares to know me, which might be a reason why Saturday night happened so easily. Loneliness will do strange things to you if mixed with alcohol. Oh well, humans falter and can't save me either. But it's becoming increasingly difficult to have faith in a higher power. The world keeps pressing on me at all sides, and eventually you cave. And that's life.
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